feelings
It's unnerving to feel happy and motivated in one aspect of life, and depressed and alone in another.
I took a personality test last week at work. It was very interesting, called the PREP survey for those who may have taken it. It asked a series of questions that I was told to answer as truthfully as possible. They were all related to how I viewed myself and how I believed others viewed me, listing adjectives and having me rate whether it was true or false on a 1-5 type scale. It was suprisingly accurate, at least in most areas. It was hard for me to understand completely how they were able to come up with this 60 some page report on me by just asking me 50 or so basic questions... But these guys are a bunch of biggie Doctors. Maybe they know what they're doing.
If I had the test results with me I'd quote part of them. The part that interested me the most was a part that talked about my overall satisfaction with life. It said I was generally happy with the way life was going right now. This could mean one of two things:
1) I content with both my personal and professional lives, or
2) I am extremely happy with one, dissatisfied with the other, but they are balancing eachother out... for now.
I thought about myself and instantly knew that I was number two, and this was very true. I find myself looking forward to work, because I'm so happy with the way things are going there. It's almost like in a way, work is an escape for me.
The downside to this, of course, is my personal life. I am not happy at all... quite frankly, not with much of anything. This in no way is meant to insult my friends. It really isn't that at all. Any feelings of unhappiness I feel are much more a result of my actions and decsions then anyone elses.
Overall, I'm quite lonely. I think this subject distresses me the most, beause I do not know why I'm lonely. I know that sometimes I push people away. I can be a complete jerk. But on the other hand, there have been countless times where I've literally given my all to a person or relationship... only to get very little if not nothing in return. This is extremely frustrating to me. I just want someone to care about me. I will give so much in return. I will give everything I can.
Sometimes it's ok to be alone, because I have a tendency to be independent and I like my own space. But much of the time I really feel alone and not needed. I need to feel wanted. I suppose we all do.
At the same time I feel this way, I feel some guilt. I know there are people I have pushed away. I can't explain why. I guess that I'm being picky now. I don't want to be alone, but I want to be with the right person. I'd almost rather be alone then with the wrong person. I don't even do it intentionally... it's more a subconsious thing. And it certainly isn't all looks. Not even close. I've both loved and pushed away people I've never met in person. Call that wrong, if you will.
The only thing I can do really is just hang in there. But I need to stop wasting time and energy on things that aren't getting me anywhere. It's only hurting me.
Maybe that's one reason I'm excited about traveling in my new position. It's one thing to feel lonely while I'm home. But while away from home, it seems much more normal for people to be lonely when they're traveling away from home. Right?
I'm moving next week. That's probably good... it's nice to have a distraction from the depression that rumbles deep within me. I fight a good battle against it. It catches up with me once in a while though.
G
I took a personality test last week at work. It was very interesting, called the PREP survey for those who may have taken it. It asked a series of questions that I was told to answer as truthfully as possible. They were all related to how I viewed myself and how I believed others viewed me, listing adjectives and having me rate whether it was true or false on a 1-5 type scale. It was suprisingly accurate, at least in most areas. It was hard for me to understand completely how they were able to come up with this 60 some page report on me by just asking me 50 or so basic questions... But these guys are a bunch of biggie Doctors. Maybe they know what they're doing.
If I had the test results with me I'd quote part of them. The part that interested me the most was a part that talked about my overall satisfaction with life. It said I was generally happy with the way life was going right now. This could mean one of two things:
1) I content with both my personal and professional lives, or
2) I am extremely happy with one, dissatisfied with the other, but they are balancing eachother out... for now.
I thought about myself and instantly knew that I was number two, and this was very true. I find myself looking forward to work, because I'm so happy with the way things are going there. It's almost like in a way, work is an escape for me.
The downside to this, of course, is my personal life. I am not happy at all... quite frankly, not with much of anything. This in no way is meant to insult my friends. It really isn't that at all. Any feelings of unhappiness I feel are much more a result of my actions and decsions then anyone elses.
Overall, I'm quite lonely. I think this subject distresses me the most, beause I do not know why I'm lonely. I know that sometimes I push people away. I can be a complete jerk. But on the other hand, there have been countless times where I've literally given my all to a person or relationship... only to get very little if not nothing in return. This is extremely frustrating to me. I just want someone to care about me. I will give so much in return. I will give everything I can.
Sometimes it's ok to be alone, because I have a tendency to be independent and I like my own space. But much of the time I really feel alone and not needed. I need to feel wanted. I suppose we all do.
At the same time I feel this way, I feel some guilt. I know there are people I have pushed away. I can't explain why. I guess that I'm being picky now. I don't want to be alone, but I want to be with the right person. I'd almost rather be alone then with the wrong person. I don't even do it intentionally... it's more a subconsious thing. And it certainly isn't all looks. Not even close. I've both loved and pushed away people I've never met in person. Call that wrong, if you will.
The only thing I can do really is just hang in there. But I need to stop wasting time and energy on things that aren't getting me anywhere. It's only hurting me.
Maybe that's one reason I'm excited about traveling in my new position. It's one thing to feel lonely while I'm home. But while away from home, it seems much more normal for people to be lonely when they're traveling away from home. Right?
I'm moving next week. That's probably good... it's nice to have a distraction from the depression that rumbles deep within me. I fight a good battle against it. It catches up with me once in a while though.
G
posted by idaboi @ 4:27 PM
1 Comments:
At 7:10 AM,
Anonymous said…
Greg,
I just gotta say...it's a matter of understanding yourself and what your ready for right now. Lonely can be classified in many ways...but things in life more often than not are things that find you, not things that you find. Till then better yourself so when your Mr. Right comes along, he will be lucky to have found you.
Sometimes in life the ditch we are digging looked at from the top can seem like a trench bringing a bounty across an empty land. Is your glass half-full or is it half-empty? Either way, try filling it up!
- Meekal Hell -
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